yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
