They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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