She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
