If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
