i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
