Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca

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(404): View more from Georgia

Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.

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