You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
