I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
