things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
