can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
