Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
