Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
