My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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