The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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