every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
