"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
