Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
