Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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