Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
