The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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