My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
