after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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