i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
