oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize