Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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