he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Please don't give away my fajitas
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
