Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just want to make out with him forever
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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