so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
