What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
