I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
