zippers are such a cool invention
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
