He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
