Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
