His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
