I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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