You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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