he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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