So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
