i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
