Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
