did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
