i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
