my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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