bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
