please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
