Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize