I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Oh god it's open bar.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
