i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
