lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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