Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
