I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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