Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
