he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
