I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
