Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
