There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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