At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
