Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
