Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
