My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
