youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
