Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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