Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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